Home Base
by bama02614
Summary: One shot, future fic, AU fic, whatever you want to call it for one of my favorite pairings on Gossip Girl Dan and Vanessa. It's angsty, and has a few NS undertones in it as well.


**Stars & Boulevards**

Dan Humphrey & Vanessa Abrams

"_Home base."_

"_I can't be your second choice… I won't be."_

The words were still a painful echo in his head. He'd tried to drown them with alcohol, blonde hair, and long legs but it never worked. She was still there, the voice inside his head, screaming at him, torturing him… begging him to stop being such an idiot. Dan Humphrey couldn't help it though, it was his default setting. Things get hard you act like a moron, screw up, try to fix it way too late. It wasn't like he hated his life. He didn't. He had a good job. A dream job actually, writing for the New Yorker, using satire to get out all his pent up aggression against the rich that he really wasn't supposed to have anymore. Old habits die hard though, Dan knew all too well. He had a girlfriend, a beautiful, charming, amazing girlfriend who he loved, had always loved. He just wasn't sure he was in love with her, and the really pathetic thing was he wasn't sure she was in love with him either.

Serena van der Woodsen belonged to a completely different world than him. She belonged with a completely different guy, and Dan knew if she had the guts to admit that to herself she'd be out the door again. Once upon time seeing her turn away had killed him, now he was just fatalistic about the whole thing. Eventually she would come out of herself imposed exile. She would take a taxi back to Manhattan and re-enter the life she'd left behind. She would find the boy she'd loved all along, and Dan would wish her well. At least one of them deserved happily ever after.

Dan's happily ever after had packed her bags two years ago and took the first transatlantic flight across the ocean, putting as much distance between them as she possibly could. Dan couldn't blame her. He hadn't then, and he couldn't now. But he could miss her, and God did he. He missed her smile, and the smell of her hair, a special organic shampoo that only she used. He missed how she teased him, and called him on all of his shit. Most of all he just missed the quiet moments with her, when words weren't needed, when nothing was needed but her and him, and a small slice of their own little world.

He'd blown it all to smithereens though. Fucked it up in a way only Dan Humphrey could fuck it up. He'd had her. He'd had Sunday morning newspapers in bed, and Friday night classic movie marathons. He'd had his editor, his best friend, his soul mate, and he let her get away. He'd pushed her away, so hard, and so quick she hadn't even been able to stop him. By the time she'd realized what a colossal fuck up he'd made it had been too late. He'd crossed the line. He'd broken her heart, and she wasn't one to just sit back and let something like that happen. Vanessa Abrams was a doer not a thinker. That was why Dan loved her, why he needed her, why no one could never replace her, not even his uber dream girl.

Dan's days were fading together again. Was it Wednesday or Thursday – or maybe it was Friday. If it was Friday he was screwed because he had breakfast with Jenny, and she got really pissy when he missed things like that. He glanced down at the calendar on his desk, and sighed in relief. It was Tuesday. It was her birthday. He'd marked it in his calendar with a little black heart and then used a sharpie to mark it out before Serena could see it. Not that he thought she'd get jealous. Serena didn't do jealous anymore, she didn't do much of anything except stare out windows, and pose for pictures. She'd turned into everything she once hated, and Dan wished he could save her. He was too busy drowning himself though.

"Hey." She emerged from the bedroom they shared in his tiny loft, and kissed him quickly on the lips. She was wearing some new designer original. He'd noticed that she'd been wearing more of her old clothes lately, purses that cost more than his rent, shoes that made her tower over him, dresses that Vanessa would call indecent. Dan secretly agreed, but he'd been so pleased that Serena was becoming Serena again he hadn't said anything. She was waking up, he could see it, feel it.

"Another shoot today?" He asked absentmindedly as he traced the scribbled heart with his index finger. He could still feel the indentations of the pen, and that comforted him in some way, like this day was real, she was real. It didn't matter that he hadn't spoken to her in two years, and the only information he had on her came from Friday morning breakfasts with his sister. It didn't even matter that the letter he'd sent her 6 months ago had come back with a return to sender stamp, opened, but taped back together. None of that could change the way he felt when he thought about her, like he was dying and truly living all at the same time. She would always be the eternal paradox for him.

"Eleanor called. She wants me to sign on for her next campaign. I told her I'd meet with her. Least I could do." Serena shrugged as she grabbed the pop tart she'd just toasted, and began nibbling on it. She smiled for a minute, a genuine smile, and Dan watched her a little bit in awe. He missed this girl, the happy, carefree one. She'd gotten lost somewhere along the way, and she'd been hiding with Dan ever since. He'd been hiding with her too though, and both were too cowardly to stop the charade and move on with their lives.

"Sounds good." Dan thought it sounded awful. He wanted to shake her and tell her she hated modeling. She hated being known for her body and not her brain. But Serena made her own choices, and he was way past trying to run her life. He needed to find a way to get his back on track first.

"I guess." She frowned to herself, and Dan found himself watching her again. He wanted to ask her if she'd seen the announcement in the paper yesterday. The one that said that the boy Serena loved, but swore she didn't love was engaged. The one that made Dan sad, that had to have broken her heart. It was an unspoken rule though, they didn't talk about those other people, the people that had come before and after them. It was like taboo, too real, too painful, too everything that didn't fit into the little bubble they'd created.

"Serena…" Dan found himself calling out to her as she reached for the door, ready to become a stranger again. She turned around hesitantly, something akin to fear in her eyes. She might not be the love of his life, but she still knew him, and she knew the hammer was going to drop on both of them soon. "I'm sorry," was all he could manage. She didn't ask what he was sorry for. She just shot him a watery smile, before walking out of the loft, and possibly out of his life. He hoped she found the courage to jump off her cliff, maybe she could inspire him to do the same.

Friday rolled around, and Serena was already shooting the campaign for Eleanor. She'd been spending every waking hour on the UES, and Dan could feel her drifting farther and farther away from him. He didn't try to stop her though. It was time… for both of them.

Jenny was sitting at their usual table, a donut and coffee waiting for him when he sat down across from her. She smiled at him, and laughed at his scruffy appearance, and worn out clothes.

"Won't you at least let me take you shopping for a few new things? I can't believe Serena lets you walk out of the house looking like that." Jenny is just teasing, but when Dan doesn't laugh she sobers up. "Tell me what's wrong with you… Truth," it was a demand. His little sister was done with the fakeries.

"It's not going to work with, Serena. It was never going to work with, Serena." He repeated, and it felt like a relief to say it out loud. Jenny's face went from surprise to confusion to denial in five seconds flat, and he cut her off before she could give him another pep talk. Dan couldn't handle having this conversation with her again. "I'll always care about her but I'm not in love with her, Jen. I haven't been in love with her since high school and we both know it."

Jenny shook her head, still not ready to believe it. "But you gave up everything to be with her, Dan. You gave up…" She stopped herself before she could say it, but Dan knew that name by heart. "I think you're just being moody and dramatic. You PMS more than any girl I know." She waved it off with her hand, and ordered another espresso to go. "I have a meeting with Agnes, we're thinking up a new line, trying to find investors – Boring to you I know."

"I'm happy for you." Dan said sincerely as he munched on his donut. He'd come here with a purpose today, and he couldn't be deterred. "I have to talk to her… I need to talk to her." Her didn't need to be explained, and Jenny stopped mid sentence thanking their waitress. The waitress walked away, feeling the tension, and Jenny stared at her brother slack jawed. "I need to," he whispered again.

Jenny shook her head. "You know the deal, Dan. I promised her. I shouldn't even tell you the stuff I do, but I know you care about her. She's happy in London. She likes her life there, and she's got this really great guy named Simon who rides a moped, and had blue streaks in his hair, and-" Dan raised his hand, stopping his mid frantic babble.

"I love her." It had been a long time since he'd been able to say that, since he'd been able to admit it to himself. It didn't matter to him that she lived a world away in a different life with a different guy. Those were all surmountable issues, and for once in his life he wasn't going to sit back and let them beat him. "I made a mistake. I fucked it all up. But I love her, and I need her, and I'm willing to do whatever I have to, to get her back. I'll move to London or Istanbul. I'll follow her wherever she wants. And this Simon – I can fight him, whatever it takes. Because he doesn't know her the way I do. He can't. He doesn't know all her favorite movies, or the stories behind all her scars, or that her favorite color was pink until she was twelve and realized pink was everything antifeminist she hated. He can't know those things, because they're mine, and they're hers… I have to tell her. She has to know." Dan finished out of breath, and stuffed the rest of his donut into his mouth.

"What if she shuts the door in your face?" Jenny was genuinely concerned, and Dan loved his sister for that. But it didn't matter, nothing mattered but getting to her, seeing her, telling her that his world ended the day she left.

"Then I'll sit on her doorstep and wait. I'll become that scary stalker guy if I have to, Jen. But I know we belong together. We always have, and I was just too stupid and too scared to hold onto it. But I'm different now. I know what I want… it's her. It's always been her." Dan's heart was beating a mile a minute as he waited for his sister to give her answer. He knew there were other options if Jenny said no. He could waste his savings on a PI, face calling her mother as a last resort, whatever it took, he was all in this time.

Jenny reached for a napkin, and took a pen out of her purse. She scribbled an address on it, and then handed it back to him. She stood up then, walked around, kissed his cheek, and whispered "good luck" before disappearing out of the diner. Dan stared at that napkin like it was the Holy Grail for a full five minutes before he pulled out his cell phone, and booked the first flight out to London. Then he took a cab across the bridge to let everything go before he started his new life.

Serena was just finishing a shoot when he got there. She waved at him from across the way, a sad wisp of a smile floating across her lips. He waved back, and in that moment they both knew. It was over. It never should have began. He left before she finished, and hoped she'd find what she was looking for. If he knew her at all, and he was pretty sure he did, he knew she'd stop a certain golden headed boy from marrying the wrong girl. Serena was meant for happy endings, and Dan had finally accepted that he was as well. It just turned out theirs wasn't together. It didn't make him sad, it didn't make him anything really. He was just so relieved it was over. He felt free.

He spent the plane ride writing a letter. He knew that when he saw Vanessa all the words would get jumbled on his tongue. It would come out wrong like it always did, and she would shut the door in his face. He was prepared this time though. He was ready to hand her his heart, and if she beat it up, chucked it in a blender and pureed it, then so be it. He deserved it. But he'd wait her out. He'd make sure she knew that he was ready this time, all in, forever. And somehow he knew she would come around. Because if one thing in his life had ever been constant it had been her love for him. She'd been there when everything was crashing down. She'd held him up, and she'd talked him through it, and she'd smacked him into awareness quite a few times. He'd been so blind for so long, but his eyes were wide open now.

She opened the door on the third buzz a bit out of breath with wet hair, and a robe wrapped around her. The smile on her lips died when she realized it was him, but she didn't try to slam the door in his face. She just stared at him, her eyes running along the length of him taking in everything that had changed, and everything that had stayed the same. She looked amazing, the same shock of dark black hair, the eyes that could never hide anything from him no matter how hard she tried. She was trying hard right then, but he could still read her. She was surprised, but not unhappy. His heart leapt, and before he could totally wreck the moment he pulled out the letter and handed it to her.

"It never comes out right, so here." He shoved it into her hands, and she stared down at it like it was a foreign object. She shook her head after a minute and tried to hand it back but he stepped away from her in refusal. "I'll wait," he whispered, all sincerity and love.

"I can't." Her voice was choked, and tears shined in her eyes. The force of her pain socked him in the gut, and he felt his own emotions rising up. He hated that he had hurt her. That she had cried for him, and he had failed her. He couldn't focus on that though. The time for recrimination and regret had passed, it was a time for new beginnings.

"Read it… I'll wait." He turned around, dropped his backpack, and slid onto the front steps. He glanced back at her, and she was still watching him like he'd grown horns on his head. "Whatever it takes, Vanessa."

She didn't say anything else, instead she clutched the letter to her chest, and nodded before going back inside and shutting the door behind her. Dan heard the click of the lock and smiled. He hadn't expected it to be easy. He wasn't sure what he'd do if she hated the letter, but he'd think of something. He'd keep thinking of something's until she agreed to forgive him, to love him again, to make a life with him. He meant it when he said he'd wait. He meant it all this time.

Vanessa came back outside twenty minutes later, dressed down in jeans and an old NYU t-shirt he'd given her freshman year. He smiled at the memory, and she caught him. She didn't smile back, but she didn't spit in his face either that was progress. She still had the letter clutched in her hands, and it was unopened. She came over and sat down beside him on the steps before handing it back to him.

He shook his head. "Read it," he pleaded stubbornly.

"You read it to me." She met his eyes for the first time, and he saw the tears shimmering there. He reached out to touch her cheek, brush them away, but she turned away from him before he could. He felt the sting of rejection but pushed it down. He owed her this and so much more.

"Okay," he agreed, swallowing nervously. He opened the envelope with sweaty hands, and managed to get a paper cut along the way. He cried out like a baby, and she laughed at him before grabbing his hand, and administering a little TLC. He felt like the biggest wimp in the world, because he lost his voice, and he had the most overwhelming urge to weep and beg her forgiveness. He held it in though, and counseled himself with courage. He had to leave himself bare for her.

"Vanessa," he read her name with reverence, and she looked away from him again. He couldn't stop staring at her though, never wanted to again. He found his focus after a few minute and turned back to the letter. He knew it by heart, but he didn't want to go off script and say something moronic that had her slamming the door in his face. "I don't know where to start…"

"I'm sitting on a plane right now. There's a guy in a three piece suit beside me, purple suit actually that reminds me of Chuck Bass – anyway he's beside me, and he's snoring. And it's the most annoying sound in the entire world but I'm not irritated at all. From the moment I asked Jenny for your address I've had this sense of calm… of peace. I guess that's what you've always been for me, my shelter in the storm to quote a little Bob Dylan."

"Dan," she interrupted, and he turned to face her quickly. "You're rambling."

He smiled. "I know…"

"I'm rambling again, but that's because I get so nervous when I think about you, about us, about everything that happened, and everything I want to happen. I screwed up with you. I knew it the second you walked out of the door, and I have regretted it for the past two years. It feels like I've been sleepwalking Vanessa, and I'm just… I've been waiting to wake up. But I haven't because you've always been my wake up call, and you weren't around." Dan stopped when his voice broke, and turned to her again. She was looking away, but he grabbed her hands and pulled her back around. "I need to look at you when I say this." She nodded, and didn't turn away this time. "I love you. I have loved you nearly my whole life. I loved you in a stupid kid way where all I wanted to do was punch you in the arm, and pull on your hair, and I loved you in a preadolescent teenage fantasy way where all I wanted to do was kiss you, and now I love you in every possible way I can. I love that you kick me in the ass when I need it, and I love that there is no one else in this world that is like you. You're so beautiful, and amazing, and real. You're the most real person I have ever met. I fucked up two years ago and broke your heart. I hate that I made you think you were anything less than amazing, anything less than first place. Because you are. You're first Vanessa, and you're last, and you're always for me. You're my home base."

"Dan, stop." She looked away from him again as fresh tears fell unfettered down her cheeks. She tried to swipe them away but they just kept coming. "You can't just show up and say all these things, and think… You can't do that to me. I had to get over you. I had to stop loving you. I did. I did stop loving you."

Dan's chest caved in for a minute, before he remembered he wasn't giving in this time, before he remembered what a crappy liar she was. "No, you didn't. You couldn't. You know how I know?" He pulled her face around, and kept his hands on her cheek so she had to meet his eyes. "I know because there hasn't been a single day since you walked out that I haven't loved you, and missed you, and needed you. I know because this thing that's between us will never fade, not for me, and not for you. I hurt you, and you're scared and I get that."

"No, you don't." She jerked away from him, and pushed herself to her feet so she was standing over him. "You broke my heart. I won't let you do it again. I have a good life here, Dan."

Dan nodded. "We're better together. If you like it here I'll move here. I'll do anything for you, Vanessa. Just don't tell me that we don't have a chance, because I won't believe you, and then I'll become that scary stalker guy and-"

"Dan!" Vanessa cut him off, and he stopped mid ramble. She slid back down beside him then, and forced herself to face him. "What if we fail again. What if I'm not enough, again?" She asked, literally handing him her heart to batter and abuse as he pleased. That was Vanessa though, an open book.

"You were always enough. I was the idiot, okay. I got scared. I got scared of how happy I was, and I didn't know what to do. So, I messed it up. I pulled away from you. But I've lived in misery for so long, Vanessa… I just can't do this without you. I don't want to. You make me happy… if I don't make you happy tell me now and I'll let you go. I'll wish you well, and I'll walk away. I'll do that for you, because I love you more than you'll ever know. I just need you to say it. Say it, and I'll leave." He was terrified of her answer. Because if she told him to go, he'd have to listen. He'd have to give it all up for her. Nothing he could imagine could be harder.

"Dan…" She shook her head, her entire body trembling with unshed emotion. He felt the sting of disappointment, of unbelievable pain, and then his heart shut down and he went numb. It had never occurred to him that he would be too late, that she truly would have moved on. It should have. He'd already burned through so many chances with Vanessa Abrams, and he better than anyone knew how amazing she was.

"Okay." He agreed with a lump in his throat. Tears stung his eyes, but he blinked them back as he reached down for his backpack. He took his time strapping it on, praying she'd change her mind at the last minute. She didn't though, and the last image he had of her was her standing on her stoop, clutching his letter in her hands. He turned away before she could see the singular tear tracing down his face. It tasted salty on his lips, and he left the dirty trail there all the way back to New York.

His loft was nearly empty when he arrived home. All remnants of Serena were gone. She'd left a note behind, and he picked it up, almost afraid to read it.

"Be happy, S."

He laughed bitterly to himself and crumpled it up. Be happy. Happy didn't exist anymore for him. He hit the button for his answering machine and immediately heard his concerned sister's voice on the line.

"I talked to Vanessa… I'm so sorry, Dan. Please call me I'm worried about you."

Beep.

The next message was from his father.

"Jen called and told me what happened. We're your family Dan, and we're here. Come over to the loft and let's talk. Lily is out of town so it can be a boys night. We'll invite Eric along… unless that would be weird because of Serena. Oh I hadn't even thought about that, maybe we shouldn't-"

Beep. The answering machine cut him off.

The next one was from Rufus as well.

"We'll have a boys night just us. We haven't talked in a long time, Dan. I love you."

Beep. Dan deleted the messages.

"It's your sister again. Are you avoiding me or did you just have really bad delays coming home? Your cell phone is off maybe you're on the plane. I don't know, just call me. Call me, call me, call me. DAN."

Dan smiled to himself.

Beep.

"Me again, your sister… I'm coming over. I'm beyond worried."

Beep.

There was a knock at the door right on cue, and Dan dragged himself up from the couch to open the door. He ran a hand through his messy hair, and tried to straighten out his clothes. Jenny would start in immediately if she saw him like this. When he was satisfied he was a little less "gross" as she'd put it he opened the door.

All the air swooshed out of the room when he saw her. Her eyes were red rimmed with dark circles under them, her clothes were wrinkled, and her hair was a complete mess. She was perfect, and for a minute he wanted to drop to his knees, and hold onto the delusion that it was really Vanessa standing in front of him.

"Humphrey." She snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Did you catch something on the plane?" She stomped into the loft right past him, and went directly to his medicine cabinet. "You need to take a vitamin." She pulled down an old bottle that she'd left there before, and handed him one.

"They're probably expired." He said needlessly. In truth he'd take just about anything from her. She was there. He wasn't imagining her. She came back to him. He smiled without meaning to and she frowned in return.

"Don't think this means I'm just going to forgive you, and make this easy. I'm not. I have a lot to say to you, and you're going to listen. Understand?" She sounded very militant, but he still couldn't erase the dopey smile from his face. "Dan," she growled.

He nodded. "Anything you have to say I will listen to… You came home." He whispered more for himself than her, but she heard him, and the first smile he'd seen peaked across her lips.

"I came home," she whispered back.

The moment passed quietly between them, and Dan knew it would be okay. He had one last chance, and he'd do it right. He'd love her right. He would never let go.


End file.
